A few days from now, it will be another month and it will be the start of the countdown to Christmas already. And I haven’t written anything yet for this month. The truth is I have been writing and deleting paragraphs for a few weeks now. I wanted to tell a messy and ugly story but I don’t know how to make it appear organized and pretty. (haha!😁)
The dawn of a new administration in the country came with a huge probability that my boss will be replaced with a new chief. Change, after all and as they said, is coming. This would mean that my officemates and I, who are the persons of confidence of my boss, (the President of the corporation) will have to look for other jobs somewhere else. Maybe someplace where politics don’t exist. (haha!😁 joke lang)
Although I have an option to stay in the corporation with an environment-friendly position (in our Watershed Management Department. Haha! I’m not complaining, you know. I could really use my skills for the environment!), I still felt uneasy.
This is when the ugly part came – I worried and worried a lot like a madman. 😳
I tell you it was really ugly. It was as if I was sentenced to death, deprived of hope and the will to move on and blind of the many good things that happen around me. The moment was too low that it blinded me of my purpose and path! Gosh. (Thanks to my friends who kept me in their prayers.)
Today, though I feel lighter and better, I ask myself this question, ‘why do you worry?’
In the long weeks that I was worrying, I was also hastily looking for other jobs online. I wanted to be in control in every detail of my life. When I say every detail, I wanted to be able to tell myself what and where I will go next. I wanted to plot each day of my life from where I was standing. I guess you would agree with me when I tell you that there’s nothing wrong with what I was trying to do. Anyway, we should really be the ones to be in control of our lives.
My mistake, however, was that I forgot about my sovereign God who is in control of everything. And if He could just rebut my thoughts, He would probably say,
When I say I control everything, I mean all of my creations from the smallest dust to the biggest galaxy, from your smallest zit to the biggest detail of your life, from where you are in my thoughts before you were born to where your soul will be after this lifetime.
This is when I thank God for not being sarcastic but always loving. I thank Him for reminding me this truth through my heart and not with pushing me to the stairs just to drive home His point.
I was also worrying because I am stubborn and I wanted to see the entire journey and not just the next step. I wanted to be certain about every direction, bumps, and crossroads of my journey. But I realized that if I would know everything about my life, I will no longer be allowing God to be my God.
If I knew about every details of how my days will unfold, God will lose His place in my life. I would be doing things based on my own capabilities which are limited and I would be depending on my own confidence which will never suffice.
I realized that God is teaching me to trust Him more. I realized I was being taught on how it is to totally surrender and look at God’s grace with expectant gaze.
Lastly, I was insane and worried because I wanted to create a concrete plan and plot it on my calendar. And I wanted to make this plan work so bad.
Then again, I recognized that though I may have plans for myself, I should create a space for the grander plans of God in my life.
There you go. I worry because I wanted to be in control, I wanted to have certainty/clarity and I wanted to create a plan.
But I realized that worrying will never ever do me anything good. It just steals my good sleep, healthy appetite and wonderful mornings.
As Baz Luhrman said in his famous Sunscreen speech,
Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.
I no longer worry today. I am going ALL IN to the Lord.
I may not have control, clarity and a concrete plan. What I have today is far more meaningful and essential – my Sovereign King, trust in Him and to His majestic plans in my life.
Indeed, HE alone can turn messy and ugly things to order and beauty. Galing no? 😉